Young Ole bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.
During a visit to a mental asylum, I asked the director how he determines whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, 'Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days.'
The owner says, 'I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal.'
So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, 'Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in.'
The hobo says, 'Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW.'
PARENT - Job Description
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging,
permanent work in an
often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.
The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love,
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
Barack Obama discovers a leak under his sink, so he calls Joe the Plumber to come and fix it.
Joe drives to Obama's house, which is located in a very nice neighborhood and where it's clear that all the residents make more than $250,000 per year.
Joe arrives and takes his tools into the house. Joe is led to the room that contains the leaky pipe under a sink. Joe assesses the problem and tells Obama, who is standing near the door, that it's an easy repair that will take less than 10 minutes.
Obama asks Joe how much it will cost.
Joe immediately says, "$9,500."
"$9,500?" Obama asks, stunned. "But you said it's an easy repair!"
"Yes, but what I do is charge a lot more to my clients who make more than $250,000 per year so I can fix the plumbing of everybody who makes less than that for free," explains Joe. "It's always been my philosophy. In fact, I lobbied government to pass this philosophy as law, and it did pass earlier this year, so now all plumbers have to do business this way. It's known as 'Joe's Fair Plumbing Act of 2008.' Surprised you haven't heard of it, senator."
In spite of that, Obama tells Joe there's no way he's paying that much for a small plumbing repair, so Joe leaves.
Obama spends the next hour flipping through the phone book looking for another plumber, but he finds that all other plumbing businesses listed have gone out of business. Not wanting to pay Joe's price, Obama does nothing.
The Jury Is OutA guy was on trial for murder and if convicted would be executed. His brother, slippery Sam, found out a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe Slippery Sam told the brother he would pay him $10,000 if he could convince the jury that the charge should be manslaughter. The jury was out an entire week and finally returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
The Silent generation, people born before 1946.
The Baby Boomers, people born between 1946 and 1959.
Generation X, people born between 1960 and 1979.
Generation Y, people born between 1980 and 1995.
Why do we call the last one-generation Y? I did not know, but a caricaturist explains it eloquently below...Learned something new!
So . . . . what do you think of the new international symbol for gasoline in the USA?
This week President Bush announced he was introducing a 3 trillion dollar plus national budget. Do you have any idea how much 3 trillion dollars is?
I for one did not have a clue so I set out on a fact finding mission to try and put into perspective just how much a trillion dollars is.
First off I withdrew one million in $100 bills from my savings account. That was the first million I earned in life. The tellers were shocked and so was my wife.
I learned if you stack 1 million $100 bills on each other that stack is 4 feet tall. Doing the math I learned one billion $100 bills stacked on each other would be 4,000 feet tall. ONE TRILLION $100 bills stacked on each other would be 789 miles tall.
Put another way, 1 trillion $100 bills stacked on each other is equivalent to 144 Mt . Everest’s stacked on each other. Three trillion $100 bills stacked on each other would stretch from the east coast to the west coast of the USA!
My Darling Husband,
Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the small slip up I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.
Fortunately it's not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.
The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when It bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.
I am enclosing a picture for you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He' s hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, ut find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep!"
"Merry Christmas, buddy!"
(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun).